Rise and Fall of the Heavenly Empire
Pirate Lord and The Peacock of the Seven Seas
(In his mind) Captain Jack Sparrow. The greatest pirate that ever sailed the seven seas and Pirate King to the Brethren Court. A handsome and charming devil who is infamous for his love of rum, treasure, and women (in that order).
(In the mind of his crew) Yeah, he’s ours. The craziest captain that ever sailed the seven seas. But you can’t say that he isn’t the luckiest one either.
(In the mind of the general public) Oh, that Jack Sparrow. The worst drunken menace this side of the Waste. Make sure to keep your valuables, women, and rum locked up if you want to still have them later.
(In the mind of those who have only ever heard of him) Captain Jack Sparrow? Yeah, I’ve heard of him. All the ridiculous stories that must have been told by the biggest braggart that ever lived.
“My, you’re very large aren’t you?”
“You’re very large as well…”
- Captain Jack Sparrow, face-to-face with a huge blue dragon and its half-giant controller
“…dragon you say? You haven’t seen a dragon until you’ve stood face-to-face with one, watched its head explode, and then used its corpse as a step stool…”
- Captain Jack Sparrow, as an offhand comment on seeing dragons
“…Okay, I’m about to do something stupid…”
- Captain Jack Sparrow, duh…
“…Well that was unexpected…”
- Captain Jack Sparrow, upon holding the Crown of Evil Dragons after snatching it off a giant’s head (see the aforementioned leverage of a dragon corpse for extra height)
“Did I ever tell you about my time with the church of Voral?"
“What do you mean ‘the last people who would ever accept me’? Noble… self-sacrificing… honorable… nevermind, you’re absolutely right.”
- Captain Jack Sparrow, on the crime of impersonating a cleric of the Church of Voral
“Surely you’ve heard of me. Captain. Jack Sparrow.”
“No? Well pull up a bottle of rum and and I’ll tell you a tale of how I single-handedly led an army and saved the Asterian capital from a rampaging horde of dragons. Why, If it weren’t for me, they’d still be under siege.”
- Captain Jack Sparrow, telling a bold-faced truth
“Ok, well I know I deserved that one. Even if it was an accident. What can I say. Apparently beauty and good taste runs in the blood.”
- Captain Jack Sparrow, on seducing both the wife and daughter of an Archmage
“Cursed to never speak to a woman.
Cursed to never tell a lie.
Cursed to be a woman.”
- Captain Jack Sparrow, still mentally recovering from a personal experience that bad things come in threes
“If anyone ever tells you that dwarves are straightforward folk, don’t ever believe them. And definitely don’t ever help them forge a weapon…”
- Captain Jack Sparrow, on accidentally getting married to a dwarven princess
“Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice how… tentacle-y… you are. Some of my least favorite people are tentacly (although I’m not quite sure how much people you are), but enough about that. I propose a mutually beneficial arrangement. Have you ever considered expanding your presence on the surface?”
- Captain Jack Sparrow, to a quite tentacled aboleth overseer of the Underdark
“There’s a certain appeal to a strong, independent woman..”
- Captain Jack Sparrow, on the High Priestess of Tann
“A kraken… Really. I just had to find another kraken… Why me?”
- Captain Jack Sparrow, strongest memory from befriending a mermaid princess, finding the lost city of Atannlis, saving the merfolk kingdom, and wielding King Poseidon’s trident.
Day 1 – Left the Pearl in Gibbs’ capable hands. Taking a small crew upstream and inland. Generous supply of rum.
Day 2 – River, jungle, more river, and more jungle. Being followed by someone/something. The People had rumors of lizard or snake people. Anyone wandering into their territory never seen again. Left offering of food (no rum of course) and gold.
Day 3 – And they kept the gold. Had crew turn out their pockets just in case. Red Shirt consumed by a freakishly toothy swarm of fish in the river today. Named fish after old Bob Piranha in his honor.
Day 9 – Found a temple made of gold being built by some strange lizardfolk. Unfortunately they seem to eat anyone who isn’t useful. Fortunately we seem to have found a translator. Unfortunately, the priests aren’t easily impressed.
Day 10 – Fortunately, the priests didn’t wake up as I was exploring their temple. Unfortunately, their fountain doesn’t provide eternal youth. Fortunately, my clever mind (and Bellarius’ help) pleased the priests. Unfortunately, the gold temple turned into a gold dragon. Fortunately, Valanazes is friendly. Unfortunately, there are only two bricks of gold remaining. Fortunately, they’re willing to give them to us
- Captain Jack Sparrow, notes on discovering the lost temple of El Dorado
“Condolences on your loss.”
- Captain Jack Sparrow, found on a note left with a bottle of rum where the Yawar royal family vault used to be